

Bill Jones. 




DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 
NEW YORK. 




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BILL JONES 



a Duoioaue 



BY 

WILLIAM AND JOSEPHINE GILES 

AUTHORS OF UNCLE Sl'S PREDICAMENT, HOOSIER SCHOOL, A BACHELOR* 
ELOPEMEKT, RUBE'S FAMILY, ETC. 



Copyright, 1914, by 
DICK & FITZGERALD 



NEW YORK 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Ann Street 



BILL JONES. .* m* 

G^ 1 



<* €\ 



CHARACTERS. 



Mrs. Jones A slovenly housewife 

Miss Hill A cashier 

Child Off stage 

Time. — The present. Locality. — Anywhere. 

Time of Playing. — About twenty minutes. 

Costumes and Characteristics. 

Mrs. Jones. A woman of about 30. Wears a house dress 
and kitchen apron, rather careless in appearance. 

Miss Hill. A young working girl of about 20. Flashy, but 
cheaply dressed ; suit, hat and gloves. 

Incidental Properties. 

Cheap looking hat with common silk ribbons on it. 

Stage Directions- 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience, 
r. means right hand; l., left hand; c, center of stage; d. r., 
door at right; d. l., door at left, up means toward back of 
stage ; down, toward footlights. 



TMP96-006432 



fln §)JCLD 374 82 
» -> 1914 ,w,, 



BILL JONES 



SCENE. — A poorly furnished living-room in Bill Jones' home. 
Door at right of a, window left of c. Door at l. Table in c, 
chair at r. and l. of table. DISCOVERED Mrs. Jones working 
around the room. 

Mrs. Jones (goes to window, calls). Mary, stop that quar- 
reling and mind the baby. (Goes down c.) Drat them young 
uns, it seems as though all they think about is fightin'. 

Child (off stage). Ma — oh — Ma — Jimmie's hittin' me. 

Mrs. Jones (goes back to window). Jimmie Jones, do you 
want me to bring you in here and spank the life out of you? 

Child (off stage). She hit me first. 

Mrs. Jones. Now stop that sass. Pete, didn't I tell you to go 
down along the track and pick me up a bucket of coal? Now 
you get a move on. (Knock heard at d. r. c. Mrs. Jones 
jumps) Good Lord! I hope that ain't another of them col- 
lectors. ( Opens d. r. c. Miss Hill stands in doorway, and Mrs. 
Jones waits for her to speak) 

Miss Hill. Is this Mrs. Jones? 

Mrs. Jones. Yes ma'm. (Wipes face on her apron) 

Miss Hill. I want to see you, Mrs. Jones, I have something 
to tell you. 

Mrs. Jones. All right, ma'am, come on in. I ain't got much 
of a place here ter intertain company, but I guess you can 
stand it awhile. (ENTER Miss Hill. Mrs. Jones places a 
chair for her) Will you sit down? 

Miss Hill (sits down R. of table). I suppose you'll think it 
funny in me coming here to see you, Mrs. Jones, but I thought 
somebody ought to tell you how your husband has been a- 
carryin' on. 

Mrs. Jones (excitedly). What's that your sayin' ? Are 

3 



a Bill Jones 

yer from the store? He ain't lost his job, has he? (Sits l. of 
table) 

Miss Hill. Oh, no, it ain't that, it's a heap worse. I guess 
his job's all right. 

Mrs. Jones (becoming calm and losing her curiosity). Well, 
that's all right then, but what's he been doin'? 

Miss Hill (hesitatingly). Perhaps I oughtn't to tell you, 
but I think you ought to know. 

Mrs. Jones. Lord a mighty, I don't care, so long's he ain't 
lost his job. Go on, how's he been a'carryin' on? 

Miss Hill (hesitating). Why — why — it's — a — woman. 

Mrs. Jones (laughs). Well, what do you know about that! 
Bill Jones gettin' mixed up with a woman ! My goodness, who 
is it now, anybody you know? It can't be a friend of yours, 
can it? 

Miss Hill (faltering). It's — it's — me 

Mrs. Jones (laughs). Well, for the love of Mike! Bill 
Jones gettin' mixed up with a clerk in a grocery store. Who'll 
be the next? 

Miss Hill. I ain't no clerk. I'm the cashier. 

Mrs. Jones. That's so, well that's not so bad. But how'd 
you ever come to get in with Bill? I s'pose girls that have to 
work out gets mixed up with everybody. But Bill Jones, that's 
the limit. 

Miss Hill. I don't have to work out. I just do it because 
I get tired of loafin' around the house. 

Mrs. Jones. Oh, that's what they all say. I never saw a 
girl yet that had to work out. I know you've got a swell place. 
It's got to be if Bill Jones works there. 

Miss Hill. I could get a better place, only Bill don't want 
me to leave the store. 

Mrs. Jones. Oh, I see, that sounds like Bill all right. Bill's 
the original mud baby for gettin' mixed up in things. 

Miss Hill. The reason I came — I thought if I could tell 
you 

Mrs. Jones. Oh, I know it all right. Bill's been primpin' 
and fixin' himself up to beat the band lately; that's a sure 
sign that he's got a new one. One can easily tell when Bill's 
got something on the string. (Goes to ivindow. Calls) Betsy, 
you get in your own yard and let them dago kids alone. (Goes 
back to table) Yes, it was awful kind of you Miss — Miss — 
what's your — name — comin' all the way down here to tell me 
about Bill. 

Miss Hill. Miss Hill is my name. 



Bill Jones - 

Mrs. Jones. Yes, yes. Well, Miss Hill, as I was sayin' 

Miss Hill. You see, Mrs. Jones, we are just crazy about 
each other, and we — I — me — he wants us to get — married. 

Mrs. Jones. That's Bill all right. He asked me to marry 
him the first time I met him. But land of livin', why don't you 
go ahead and get married, what's hinderin' you? 

Miss Hill. Well, you know, Mrs. Jones, Bill can't get a 
divorce. The law ain't got no heart, it would be on your side. 
Now you could get a divorce. 

Mrs. Jones. Did you and Bill make this stunt up, and he got 
you to come down here and pull it off to me? 

Miss Hill. No, no. Bill didn't even know I was coming. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, what'd you come for, to get acquainted 
with the family? 

Miss Hill. You see it's this way, Mrs. Jones. Bill's just 
crazy about me, he can't hardly stay away from me long enough 
to do his work. 

Mrs. Jones. That son-of-a-gun. But Bill Jones better not 
lose his job. 

Miss Hill. So I thought may be if you knew Bill loved me 
and didn't love you any more 

Mrs. Jones (easily). Oh, I knew that all right, there ain't 
no love lost between Bill and me. 

Miss Hill. And I thought if you knew he loved me, you 
might leave him. I wouldn't want to live with a man who did 
not love me, and did care for some one else. 

Mrs. Jones. The Lord be praised! That don't make any 
difference. Love don't count these days any more. You've been 
readin' Laura Jean Libbey, huh, she's a back number now. 
Don't kid yourself, young lady. After the knot is tied the little 
God, love, soon fades away. Bill Jones and me ain't had much 
use for each other for some time now. 

Miss Hill. Why do you live with him then? 

Mrs. Jones (waving hand around the room). For the grand, 
up-to-date way he supports me and the kids. 

Miss Hill. I would rather work out than live with a man 
who did not care for me. I'd be independent and earn my 
livin'. 

Mrs. Jones. Oh, I earn all I get from Bill Jones. Do you 
think I'd live this way if it wasn't for the kids, six of them 
in eight years. (Miss Hill starts, looks around) So you want 
Bill. Men must be at a premium, they didn't come so high 
when I was a girl. 



6 Bill Jones 

Miss Hill. But you see, Mrs. Jones, Bill and I love each 
other so, I can't be happy without him. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, I'm mighty sure you can't be happy with 
him. 

Miss Hill. You don't understand Bill. 

Mrs. Jones. No, I guess I don't understand Bill. 

Miss Hill. Oh, Mrs. Jones, get a divorce. Bill and I could 
be so happy if we only had a chance. 

Mrs. Jones. Huh, you'll get a fat chance when you get Bill. 

Miss Hill. Oh, leave Bill, and let me have him. 

Mrs. Jones. Will you take the kids too? Bill Jones must 
look after his kids, I could work out as you say, but not with 
six kids on my shoulders. I ain't got anybody to leave them 
with. 

Miss Hill. There are lots of places you could leave them — 
day nurseries 

Mrs. Jones. Nothing like that in my family, not while Bill 
Jones can hold down a job. But did Bill ever tell you much 
about himself? 

Miss Hill. Not much. We have been to the park a few 
times together, but Bill's always busy telling me how much 
he cares for me, and planning what we'll do as soon as we find 
a way to get married. 

Mrs. Jones. Oh, yes, I remember Bill always was long on 
that sort of stuff, and the park is some shady spot ; of course 
you mean you was there in the day time, oh, it's a great place 
to spiel it out, you forget about yesterday and never think 
of to-morrow. (Goes to window, calls) Didn't I tell you young 
uns to get away from those dago kids. Come in your own yard 
and shut that gate. (Sits down again at l. of table) Well, as 
you're thinkin' of marryin' Bill, you ought to know something 
about him. 

Miss Hill (nods). Yes. 

Mrs. Jones. Well, when I first met Bill Jones he was a swell 
guy all right, had a good job, and how he dressed, — no cheap 
hand-me-down for Bill in those days. I was a forelady in a 
big department store, and had some swell rags. I remember 
there was a little fat Dutchman that kinder hung around after 
me then. I used to make fun of him and call him sourkrout ; he 
wanted me awful bad. But when I turned him down he married 
my chum, Bessie, and say, she's got one of the finest homes 
in the town now. Just went past here yesterday in her new 
electric. Believe me, I see the mistake I made. I married my 
swell friend William, and you see what I got. When I married 



Bill Jones - 

Bill I thought that I would be an ornament and set on the 
mantel. Bill ain't like the swell guy he was in those days, he 
don't fix up only when he thinks he's in love with some girl. 

Miss Hill. I should think you would be awful jealous of 
Bill. 

Mbs. Jones (laughs). Jealous of Bill! Say, you don't know 
him. Why, there ain't enough of him to be jealous of. He 
ain't mean, he's just soft. There ain't no backbone to him. 
If there was he wouldn't be where he is to-day, he wouldn't 
be drivin' a grocery wagon at ten dollars a week, and six kids 
to support. Ten dollars a week and six kids. Say, girl, do 
you want to get in my fix? That's a pretty swell hat you've 
got on, let me show you mine. (EXIT d. l., and returns with 
a very cheap, dowdy-looking hat, with cheap trimmings on it) 
Here, do you see this? It's a hat. Bill said it was a hat, I got 
it from the five and ten cent store. I got the frame and trimmed 
it myself; ain't it swell? This is silk ribbon on it. I thought 
may be you wouldn't recognize it. Now you can see what I got 
and what you'll get when you get Bill. If it wasn't for the kids 
you would be welcome to Bill. 

Miss Hill (rising, draws on her gloves, goes to d. r., turns). 
I'm glad I came. I am sorry for you. 

Mrs. Jones. Oh, never mind me, think of Bill. (Goes to 
d. r. c.) 

Miss Hill. I don't believe I want Bill Jones. [EXIT d. r. c. 

Mrs. Jones (closes door after her, sits in chair) No, I don't 
believe she wants Bill Jones. 

CURTAIN. 



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